Yesterday was a really difficult day for me, I cried, I became angry, I felt depressed and hurt. Right now id be about 26 weeks pregnant, but im not because we lost our baby to miscarriage back in May, it’s disappointing to know that the life that was once inside me is no longer there. I should be planning a baby shower right now, buying baby furniture, and anticipating the arrival of our 2nd child, but im not. Miscarriage sucks and it’s so hard to overcome such a loss. Everyone thinks that they should hide and not talk about their pregnancy loss but I feel talking about it is the only way to heal. Some people wont understand your pain or your journey but it’s not for them to understand. I know how it feels to feel like your alone in your grief and none of your friends or family are truly there for you because there excuse is that they don’t know what to say. I don’t believe that’s valid, I believe if you truly care about someone you would just be there for them thru the miscarriage regardless of if you had the right words to say or not. Thru going thru this I learned who my real friends were and to be honest with you I only have two the rest of them are no longer worth my time since they can’t be here for me thru this. I’m no longer going to hide how I feel im going to blog it and maybe it will help other women thru the hurt, pain, disappointment, and grief when going thru a miscarriage.
Miscarriage is tough😦
Today is just one of those days, where all the walls are caving in on me and all I want to do is burst into tears every second into every minute. My chest feels numb and burns from trying to hold it in and my heart is aching from the thought of my baby no longer growing inside me. I’m so broken and feel so empty inside. I feels so alone as if I have no one to talk to and no one to be here for me. At some points I feel strong and other moments I feel weak. I’ve prayed and prayed for strength and do my best to stay positive and connected with God but some days I just can’t hold back the pain and tears anymore. I blame myself sometimes. I have so many emotions running thru me at once. What do I do now? How do…
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It’s been 6 weeks since the worst day of my life happened. I haven’t been feeling well physically so I decided to go buy a couple of pregnancy test. I got three very faint positives on all 3 test. I wanted to scream and shout for joy but my heart wouldn’t let me after going thru what we just went thru. So I calmly called my doctors office and told them my results and they scheduled me to come in for blood work. The whole day all I did was worry what if I am, what if I’m not. The next day I called the doctors office to check on my results and the nurse told me that she doesn’t think I am pregnant due to my hcg level being only a 5. She thinks that more than likely it is left over hormones from the miscarriage. She will discuss it with my doctor and call me back on Monday as today is Friday and the office is getting ready to close… I don’t understand how we had no problems conceiving our first child but are having so many issues trying to conceive another. I just want a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. All I can do is pray that this is all over soon and that we can become pregnant again and get our RAINBOW BABY♡
Today is just one of those days, where all the walls are caving in on me and all I want to do is burst into tears every second into every minute. My chest feels numb and burns from trying to hold it in and my heart is aching from the thought of my baby no longer growing inside me. I’m so broken and feel so empty inside. I feels so alone as if I have no one to talk to and no one to be here for me. At some points I feel strong and other moments I feel weak. I’ve prayed and prayed for strength and do my best to stay positive and connected with God but some days I just can’t hold back the pain and tears anymore. I blame myself sometimes. I have so many emotions running thru me at once. What do I do now? How do I move on is all that runs thru my head every day. Maybe someday my pain will turn into a story to help other women thru their losses. Why did this happen to us? After months of trying to convince my husband to have another child, we finally began trying, became pregnant, and then 12weeks later we lose our baby on the bathroom floor. I just don’t understand it and I’m not sure I ever will. I knew from our very first ultrasound at 5 weeks in the emergency room for cramping that something wasn’t right. The doctor came in and said “we see a gestational sac but there is no baby in it at this time”, my heart sunk and I became speechless. I left the emergency room that day feeling confused and afraid, I searched online for similar stories but that made me even more scared and concerned. A couple weeks later we went in for my first prenatal appointment with our obgyn. My husband and I were so excited as well as our 3 year old daughter who was with us to embrace seeing our baby for the first time. As the ultrasound technician came in and began to do her measurements and find the baby, the sac was still empty, and we couldn’t believe our eyes, we were DEVASTATED. She then said “I’m sorry but all I am seeing is a gestational sac measuring about 8 weeks and no baby, let me go grab the doctor”. We then waited in the lobby for them to call me back to see the doctor and as we waited worry filled our hearts, we couldn’t help but question what was happening. The doctor then called us back to her office and she began to talk about blighted ovums, something we had never heard of. She explained that this happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but doesn’t develop into an embryo. When she began explaining this, I knew were the conversation was headed, she was about to tell us that this pregnancy would end in miscarriage. My heart stopped while sitting there listening to her tell us our baby didn’t exist and didn’t make it passed the embryonic stage. I became angry and upset with her, and she then offered us two options, to take a pill to start the miscarriage process or to wait a couple weeks and repeat the ultrasound to see if my weeks were just off. Of course we decided on option number two, but every day we just kept thinking about losing our baby. How cruel is it, to take a pregnancy test and get a positive result only to be told weeks later that your baby didn’t make it past the beginning stages of growth. Blighted ovums suck! As these weeks go by I feel empty, lost, and hopeless. I try to stay positive and my husband encourages me every step of the way, without him I’d be lost and in a pit of darkness but he brings light to my pain.
Why does miscarriage happen? Why does it randomly choose women to endure horrible heartache? Why does God allow this to happen? I’ve never felt so lost, hurt, and broken. Why do bad things happen to good people? I never thought that I would have a miscarriage, nor did I think I would have the courage to share our story. God placed it on my heart to start sharing our story, maybe it was his plan all along. I feel at some moments that he allowed me to endure this pain just so that I could share it with others and help them thru it. After searching for my purpose maybe this is what he wants for my life, to be able to help other women thru their heartache and also share his love & word with them. So as hard as this will be, and as much as I might cry writing every single page, I am going to do this and I hope and pray that it helps me heal and helps other women heal too. The joy that we all felt when we saw those two lines appear on our pregnancy test was short lived, as that moment of joy is no longer with us and we are enduring the worst pain we have ever felt. The thought of having life inside me and then having that taken from me is an unbearable thought that is now my reality. Miscarriage is such a touchy topic to talk about, and more often than you think it is a topic that is hugely avoided. Many of your family, friends, and coworkers wont understand your heartache, and it will hurt you because you will feel alone in your grief. But know that you are not alone, God is with you every step of the way and you may not think so or want to believe he’s with you but he is. This verse lets me know that God is with me during this tough time, Psalms 6:6-9 “I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eyes waste away because of grief, it grows weak because of all my foes. Depart from me, all you workers of evil; for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping. The Lord has heard my supplication; the Lord accepts my prayers”. You have two choices that you can make in dealing with the loss of your baby, you can turn to God or you can turn away from God. I know its hard to have faith and you want to be angry with God but Romans 8:28 lets us know that “God causes all things to work together for the good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose”. I know how hard it is to believe in that, trust me going thru a miscarriage broke me down completely and left me feeling hopeless, but when I think about God and his love for me it brings me out of that dark place. We experienced this loss, and now my husband & I have to chose to turn to God for understanding, wisdom, and support to get us thru it. He is an all knowing God he knows your hurting and he’s waiting with open arms to see you thru it just as he is seeing us thru it. You will make it thru, just surround yourself with positive and encouraging people, and use this time to get closer to God. It’s ok to cry, to be sad, to hurt but don’t allow yourself to get stuck in that place. God loves you and he knows your hurting and that’s why his arms are open and ready for you to give it all to him to relieve you of your hurt.
P.S. this is my very first blog and it is very near and dear to my heart.